Shades of Gray Page 19

  That admission startled him. “I thought you and your parents were close.” They were dead now, but he could almost swear she’d told him that.

  “They were close. To each other. Not to me.”

  Jake understood too well, and he hurt for the lost little girl Laura had been. He thought again of Timmy and Bunny, the survival school rabbit she’d saved and set free. “Bear will keep Timmy safe. Try not to worry,” Jake said, knowing he was suggesting the impossible.

  “If he can, he will. I know he will.”

  By two P.M., Laura and Jake had left Betsy armed with fresh clothing and essentials at Alice’s and had gotten Timmy settled in at Bear’s. Now they were standing at his front door, preparing to depart his home.

  Jake hugged Timmy. “You be good, Tiger.”

  He nodded solemnly, and from the seriousness in his eyes, he understood far too much.

  Laura kissed his cheek. “Got your rabbit’s foot?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Good.” A knot lodged in her throat. “You take care of Bear and Mrs. Barton, okay?”

  “I’ll hold down the fort, Mom.”

  Bear put a protective arm around Timmy’s shoulder. “Why don’t you go help Mrs. Barton in the kitchen? I think she’s got some root beer and ice cream in there. Maybe she’ll make you a float.”

  Bear remembered that was Timmy’s favorite. Jake picked up on it, too.

  Timmy’s eyes lit up from the bottoms. “Bye, Mom and Dad.” He took off for the kitchen in a full run.

  “We’ll be fine, Laura,” Bear said. “Try not to worry.”

  She looked up at him, her gratitude in her eyes. “You haven’t asked why I called you.”

  “I know why.” His blue eyes shone. “Bad Ass Bear kind of says it all.”

  The hint of a smile tugged at her lips. “It says a lot, but that’s not the reason.”

  “Oh?” Bear looked surprised. His white bushy brows hiked up on his forehead.

  “She trusts you,” Jake said.

  “Of course she trusts me.” Bear sounded gruff.

  He did that, she realized, when he was touched. “I figure if you’re as protective of Timmy out of court as you were in it, he’ll be safer with you than with anyone else in the world.”

  Bear nodded. “I can’t promise he won’t be in danger. He is, or you wouldn’t have brought him to me. I can promise Annie and I will do our best to take care of him.”

  “No one could ask for more.” Laura touched his forearm, her eyes stinging. “We’re grateful, Bear. For everything.”

  “Very much so,” Jake added.

  Timmy came running back to the door. He thrust a package of gum into Laura’s hand. “I borrowed it, and I almost forgot.”

  She smiled at him, then dumped it into her purse.

  Timmy went serious. “If you see a leaky dike, Dad’ll chew it for you, Mom. Or you can come get me, and I will.”

  Laura nearly crumbled. “Thanks, honey.”

  “Laura, we’ve got to go.” Jake urged her with a hand to her upper arm.

  She nodded, then walked down the steps from the front porch to the car.

  When Jake unlocked her door, Bear stepped up to close it. “Laura,” he said, his eyes steady, clear, and more intense than ever before. “With my life.”

  He’d protect Timmy with his life. A little whimper of sound escaped her throat, and she squeezed his hand hard. “That’s why I called you, Bear.”

  With Timmy settled, Laura could switch focus. But what occupied her thoughts now worried her nearly as much as Timmy’s safety.

  Jake would hate her.

  No, worse. He’d pity her.

  And maybe he should. Anyone who screwed up so badly that they’d carry the guilt of it with them to their grave needed pity. God knew they had little else left between them that was untainted enough to sustain them. But she didn’t want Jake’s pity. Compassion she could accept from him, but never pity.

  In the bath adjoining her bedroom at Jake’s, Laura cranked the faucet closed, then stepped out of the shower and dried off with a fluffy white towel, wishing the hot water had calmed her down, or at least had helped clear her thoughts.

  It hadn’t.

  Unfortunately, she still had no idea how to explain her keeping her confrontation with Sean Drake a secret from Jake. She should have told him about Drake’s threatening to unleash Colonel James, who’d stop funding her research and ruin her career. But if she had, Jake would have been livid, and then Drake and James would have destroyed Jake’s career, too. That’s as far as she’d thought it through back then.

  She slathered lotion on her body. The soft scent usually soothed her, but the only thing that could soothe her now would be to tell Jake the truth: that Drake and James were the reason she’d gotten out of the military and had gone inactive in Intel. He wouldn’t take the news well; she could bank on that. She hadn’t been open and honest with him, and, after Madeline and her antics, honesty ranked paramount with Jake. Laura knew it, and, God forgive her, but she just didn’t think she had the courage to risk losing anymore. Not after risking making love with him and it ending in regret and disaster. She just didn’t have an endless supply of courage to draw from, and her reserve balance sat at zero.

  Her footsteps as heavy as her heart, she walked into the bedroom.

  Jake lay in her bed, looking all the more masculine surrounded by sea green linens and feminine, antique cherry wood furnishings embellished with swirling scrolls and hand-carved leaves. Her breath caught in her throat, and she stopped. “What are you doing here?”

  “We’re going to take a nap.” He rolled onto his side, then pulled back the covers on her side of the bed. “I’ve already set the alarm clock so we don’t oversleep.”

  Laura was tempted. God, but she was tempted. It’d be so easy to crawl into bed with Jake, to take shelter in his arms. But she’d have to do it with this guilt on her conscience, and she’d already learned the hard way that lies between them carried stiff consequences.

  Nothing stays hidden. The truth always finds the light.

  She’d known it, seen it proven true time and again, but this business with Hawkins and Colonel James had driven home the point and staked it right through her heart.

  Less than twenty-four hours after she and Jake had broken their agreement, she couldn’t break it again, not without knowing the consequences. The problem was, how could she be straightforward about Sean and James without alienating Jake? God, she didn’t want to alienate him. He’d doubted her over what he perceived as a lack of trust. What in the name of heaven would the penalty be for not telling him about Drake, James, and her career? Jake would hate her.

  It’s not fair. He doesn’t even know I love him yet.

  But he can never know that, she reminded herself. Never.

  “Come on.”

  Her throat went thick, then turned dust dry. “I can’t.”

  His expression didn’t change. Still passive and quietly insistent. “It wasn’t an invitation. Regret aside, you’re dead on your feet, and you need rest, not sex. So do I. And I know you. You’ll lay here afraid to sleep. Afraid you’ll dream.” His expression softened. “I want to be here for you, Laura.”

  The thought warmed her heart. “I didn’t mean that.”

  “Oh?” He still held up the corner of the covers. His chest was bare. Was he naked?

  She had to tell him. She couldn’t look at him while she did it, though. No way could she bear seeing more condemnation and disappointment in his eyes.

  “Whatever it is, it can wait until later.” Jake patted the mattress. “Right now, I don’t want to talk. I want to sleep, and I want to do that knowing you’re resting easily, too.”

  Her heart wrenched. She had to tell him. Yet how could
she refuse him? He knew she stood on the brink of telling him something important, and he’d given her a reprieve. She dropped the towel, and he passed her one of his T-shirts.

  Surprised and feeling tender at the thoughtful gesture, she took it, then pulled his shirt on over her head, knowing her cheeks were flushed. She felt the heat. “I, um, had hoped you hadn’t noticed I wore these.” Had he guessed the reason as well? She got into bed beside him.

  He pulled up the covers and tucked them around her shoulder. “I’ve been tired, not dead.” His gaze turned tender. “But even dead, I’d notice everything about you.” He opened his arms. “Now, come here and let’s rest.”

  She went willingly, longing to feel safe and secure and calm again—longing to feel loved—even knowing that he couldn’t give to her. On his back, Jake closed his arms around her, his hold tender and so gentle it had tears stinging her eyes. She lay on her side against him and felt his warmth seep to her, her knee crooked over his thighs, her face and hand against his chest.

  “Ah, that’s better.” He rested his chin against the crown of her head, then let out a content sigh that lifted his chest.

  The soft hair there cushioned her cheek, and Laura closed her eyes. Visions of Hawkins, of Colonel James, and of her burning car flashed through her mind. The snapshots she could deal with. It was her underlying emotions about the men themselves giving her hell. And her feeling like a traitor for taking comfort in Jake’s arms without telling him the truth. The guilt threatened to smother her. She couldn’t stand it, or justify it, or forgive herself for withholding the truth from him again.

  And those feelings proved, reprieve or no, she couldn’t wait to talk about this after all. Jake had said he didn’t want to talk now; he wanted to sleep. But he’d only said that to reduce stress and pressure on her. He wanted to know. He deserved to know. And as agonizing as it would be, she had to tell him. She licked at her lips, praying he wouldn’t hate her. “I suspected Colonel James of being corrupt, Jake.”

  “I know. I picked up on it when we were talking with Connor.” Jake stroked her back with reassuring wisps of touch. “I did, too.”

  Tears burned her eyes and stung the back of her nose. “You didn’t. You never mentioned you suspected him of professional wrongdoing.” Treason sounded like too ugly a word to even say aloud.

  “I had no proof. But I did have a gut feeling, Laura. Something way down deep. I’m not sure I even recognized it for what it was until I heard Connor suggest we send Timmy to him. But on hearing that, I felt what I did with Hawkins. When I saw his photograph, my biggest surprise was that I wasn’t surprised.”

  Jake gave her a reassuring little squeeze. “James was too damn interested in your tracking device designs. He never got that involved on other research projects. And he asked me too many questions about you personally. That made me uncomfortable, but I brushed it off as him just being inquisitive. It was easier to accept it as that than to talk to you about it. Especially with no concrete evidence against the man to back it up.”

  A catch formed in Laura’s throat. She swallowed until it went away. “Jake, Sean was working with James. I found out at the Pentagon. I was TDY there, still active duty.” Her voice cracked. “I was such a fool, Jake. I should’ve told you this then. Everything he’s done now . . . I’m to blame.”

  “We don’t know that James has done anything.”

  “I know,” she insisted, looking up into Jake’s face. “To me, it’s not a matter of if James is involved in ROFF, it’s how he’s involved.”

  “How does James tie to Sean Drake? The man’s dead, for God’s sake.”

  “He wasn’t then. I should’ve spoken up back then, but I didn’t. Sean threatened me, Jake. Madeline was unhappy about our friendship, Sean said. And miserable, she drank more. So Sean paid me a concerned father type of visit. He said I either stayed away from you and Timmy or else he’d have a talk with his friend, Colonel James, and I wouldn’t be able to get funding for my research. He’d dump my career into the toilet.”

  “And Colonel James subtly let you know he’d help Drake do it.”

  Nothing stays hidden. “Right, when I went TDY to the Pentagon.” She went on. “But the biggest reason I didn’t say anything about this was that I couldn’t risk you taking the two of them on and ruining your career.”

  “That should have been my decision, Laura.”

  “I know that now,” she said. “But then I thought I was protecting you.”

  “So instead, you got out of the military and deactivated in Intel.”

  A strong urge to hedge assailed her. No. No gray area refuge. Not on this. Not anymore. She nodded. “I was determined to remove myself from their reach, and that was an effective way to do it.”

  “You did it to protect me.”

  “I should have filed complaints against both of them.”

  “You knew they’d ruin your career whether you complied with their demands or not. And you didn’t want them ruining mine as well.” Jake stared hard at her. “You knew that in jobs as sensitive as ours any inquiry whatsoever would have hung over our professional heads like black clouds forever. We never would have escaped the scandal, or the doubt.”

  Jake’s conclusions mirroring her own gave her validation of her judgment, if not vindication of her actions. This would be so much easier if she could say that before the Pentagon TDY she had trusted Colonel James. But she hadn’t. She’d only ever had faith in Jake. And now Bear. “I never trusted James or Sean Drake,” she confessed, absently fingering a curl of black hair teasing Jake’s nipple. “Sean, for the most part, I could avoid. But James held the purse on my research. His questions grated at me from the start. Early on, I became adept at avoiding answering them.”

  “Intuition.”

  “I guess. But I wasn’t really aware of the reason until Sean confronted me and levied his threat. And that TDY to the Pentagon where I encountered Colonel James confirmed it. Before then, it was more a nebulous feeling. But there, the reason I didn’t trust him hit me like a sledge.”

  “I remember how upset you were when you got home after that trip. What exactly happened?”

  “James asked me about you and Timmy, then about the tracking device. When he linked you and my work like that, these warning signs flashed in my head. I felt like a major fool. As if he’d used me, and I’d not only let him—until then, I didn’t know he’d done it.”

  “I’m not following.”

  “I’m not sure myself exactly what I mean. But I’m convinced that him ruining me was a return favor on some bargain he’d made with Sean Drake. You know those guys never do anything for nothing. They network.”

  “Manipulate. ‘Play the game, or get off the field. Spies always spy on spies.’”

  “What?” Laura frowned, not understanding.

  “Nothing. Just something Drake told me once. He was a manipulative bastard.” Jake tightened his hold on her, wrapping his arms around her back and holding her firmly against his chest. “All this happened to you because of me.” Guilt riddled his voice. “I’m so sorry, Laura.”

  She was sorry, too. So damn sorry. Sean was dead, but because she’d handled that situation as she had, James had probably spread his corruption and done only God knows what to only God knows whom. It was bad; she felt certain of that, and a lot of innocent people would suffer for her selfishness. “I’ve got to tell Connor about this. But I had to tell you first.”

  Jake’s chin bumped against her forehead. “What exactly are you going to tell him? That you had suspicions but no proof that Colonel James was overly inquisitive about the tracker? That you suspect he cut a deal with a man now dead to keep you away from me so Madeline wouldn’t drink so much?”

  “Yes.”

  “I hate to break it to you, but everyone in Special Ops has friends, family, neighbors, or acquaintanc
es who ask too damn many questions. They don’t realize it, of course, but they do it. Sean worrying about his daughter’s drinking, and Colonel James—her former boss, who was genuinely fond of her—worrying about her drinking was . . . human. My point is, even if you’d reported this to OSI, without something more substantial than a verbal claim that Sean had threatened to get James to cut your funding, nothing would have changed. And even now, we can’t really tie Sean Drake to James.”

  Jake had a point. The Office of Special Investigations couldn’t follow up on every lead that lacked evidence of wrongdoing. They didn’t have the manpower, and they considered an individual’s privacy rights inviolate. Still . . . “Filing an OSI report might have scared Colonel James into not getting involved with ROFF.”

  “We don’t know that he is involved.”

  “I know it, Jake.”

  “We can’t prove it,” Jake said, rephrasing in the name of peace. “But if he is involved, no one could have stopped him without concrete evidence against him. You didn’t have that then, and you don’t have it now.”

  “But—”

  “Laura.” Jake pulled her back into his arms. “You’re not responsible. He is. Let him carry his own burdens.”

  “Tell Mrs. Green I’m not responsible. Her husband is dead.”

  “Yes, he is, but you didn’t kill him. It wouldn’t have mattered. You could have notified CNN, and it wouldn’t have changed anything.”

  “I should have gotten proof, and then gone to the OSI with it. They would have nailed them both. You know they would have.”

  “Yes, if you’d survived long enough to get the evidence and then to get it to them. But I seriously doubt Sean Drake would have stood still for that. He had the inside track, honey. You would have been searching blind. If you’d tried to nail him, odds are right now you’d be dead.”

  Knowing Jake was right, she shuddered hard.

  “I’m sorry.” He rubbed her back with gentle sweeps of his hand to calm her down. “I didn’t mean to be so blunt.”